August 20, 2004
On Sibling Rivalry
Here's another one from the vault. Seems like only yesterday.... (It was long before our oldest told us he wanted to be called "Zach" instead of "Zachary," and back when we still had cats! My, how times change.)
[I think I originally wrote this in 2000 when Zach was 8 and Jenna was 5.]
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On Sibling Rivalry
Yes, it's true. My children are wonderful, precious, happy and seemingly well adjusted. But they--even they--squabble and fuss and fight.
My son, Zachary, is the older of the two. He is sensitive toward other's feelings. Once, when he was about 6 years old, his Sunday school teacher told me of an incident concerning Zach and another child. It seems the other child was new to the class and sat over in a corner, afraid to join in on the class activities. My son, being the tenderhearted child he is, went over to the little boy, put his arm around him and said, "It's okay. Come join the rest of us."
My daughter, on the other hand, is the ornery one. If there is anything that describes our Jenna, it is that she loves life. She is the giggler, the nutty little cut-up consistent with the birth-order theory. Where Zachary is more serious and sensitive, Jenna is our little clown with a devilish streak thrown in for good measure.
Not surprisingly, it is Jenna who is often the instigator between the two of them. She has been known to punch Zachary in the stomach for the tiniest offense. To my son's credit, he repeatedly resists the urge to deck her in response. In fact, at times we have--out of desperation and only half-seriously--told him he needs to deck her in order to get her to stop hitting, kicking, punching, etc., but he wants no part of it.
Zachary is smart (or should I say shrewd), though. One of the things we do not allow in our household is tattling--unless someone is doing something dangerous. It didn't take Zachary long to figure out that we would not give him permission to tattle, no matter how politely he asked. So, what he does instead is to say in a voice loud enough for me or his dad to hear, "Jenna, stop hitting me," or "Jenna, stop jumping on the sofa!" or "Jenna, stop squeezing the cat!"
As I told a friend of mine about Jenna one time, she responded with "What a brat!" I thought long and hard about that statement. No, Jenna is not a brat, but she does enjoy pushing limits and seeing how much she can get away with. And even though she can beat up on her brother, she also has a very sweet and gentle side.
Once when I was sick in bed with a bad case of the flu, Jenna brought me a flower and gently stroked my arm. With the most compassionate look on her face she said very sweetly, "Mommy, I'm sorry you are sick."
As a parent, I have begun to learn that for every negative personality trait, there is an equally potentially positive trait. For example, Jenna is extremely stubborn. While stubbornness can be a negative trait, the positive expression of that same trait is sticktoitiveness. Jenna is nothing if not persistent. A quality that if nurtured will no doubt take her far in life. In fact, it has already come in handy as she has endured kidney reflux and all that goes with it for the past two years.
Zachary, though perfectionistic in nature, can also turn that seemingly negative trait around. He will no doubt do his very best at whatever he does in the future, never settling for mediocrity or a job half done.
It has always amazed me how two children from the same gene pools could turn out so differently. I'm not sure, but I think it is one of the ways God keeps us humble -- and on my knees! Lest I ever get cocky and think I've got this parenting thing nailed down they always come up with new ways to challenge me.
But even though Zachary and Jenna have their moments of bickering and fighting, they love each other tremendously. Whenever they are parted for any length of time, Jenna always misses him. She's even told us on occasion she wants to marry him when she grows up. And there have been times when Zachary has asked to take Jenna's punishment for her.
I too went through similar rivalry with my siblings. When my brother was in Boy Scouts he would practice his knot tying on me, tying my hands and feet behind me. And my sisters and I would argue and fight over the silliest things. We laugh about those things now. But in the end, as we grew up and moved on with our lives, what were once intensely stressful relationships have developed into enduring friendships.
All things considered, I suppose sibling rivalry is a natural part of family life. Could it even be a necessary evil? My hope and prayer for Zachary and Jenna is when they're adults, they will carry this special bond with them, learning to laugh about the memories they share, turning the rivalry into friendship just as I have with my siblings.
Posted by at August 20, 2004 08:39 PM